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Fuck This  
06:26pm 09/06/2009
 
 
paramore_rox_9
I have been home not even a month and I'm already back to being treated like shit. My mom always tells me I don't treat her with respect when truth is I'm the one who is not respected. I slave around the house and am told I do nothing. Tonight she had the guts to tell me I'm just like my father and give up to easily when I told her that I'm thinking about dropping out of college cause I CAN'T afford to go there at the moment. That insult in itself was way harsh but she had no right bringing my dad into it. He was best friend and I have put up with her and her friends bashing him since he passed away a year ago. I'm sick and tired of pretending it doesn't bother me. He doesn't deserve this he was a more respected man than she gives him credit for. Now I'm told that I should move out by July 1st when uh let me see why can't I afford to go to school? I DON'T GET ENOUGH HOURS!!! She needs to go get a fucking life and leaving me the hell alone cause I'm sick and tired of this. I've been in a depressed state for the last week trying to figure out all this shit. So guess what I'm done. She can go fuck herself cause if I can get a full time job I'm out of here. She'll never be the boss of me ever again!
mood: depresseddepressed
 
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Just another day  
06:07pm 01/03/2009
 
 
paramore_rox_9
I seem to cross this path a thousand times trying to figure out how I don't recognize the signs. It's just another day when nothing seems to be going right and all I want to do is crawl up into a ball until it all goes away. Instead I'm an idiot and try to work it out. There are so many days I think to myself, "I wish I could take the easy way out." I then think of all who I would hurt and decide to tough it out. It scares me sometimes how easily it seems to think about all of this. This last year was definitely not the best, but I still wonder why I have such dark thoughts. I find myself thinking of things I never thought I would. It seems that I will resort to alcohol for all of my problems and I know I shouldn't.

It fascinates me how easily it is to put on a mask and keep my dark side to myself. Sometimes my own mother can't see behind my mask. I have no one to really tell what is truly on my mind because I'm scared of someone judging me or just not understanding. I don't know why I get in these moods, but I really wish people would quit pushing their limits cause one day I will crack.
mood: depresseddepressed
 
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What is going on?!?  
09:37pm 28/10/2008
 
 
paramore_rox_9
So I haven't wrote lately mainly because of the this fun thing called school. It seems like I put so much effort into all my homework and all I am getting is a C average. I hate it. I have never done this bad and I am constantly getting D's on my bio tests. I need to get a C or better in that class overall in order to remain in the Athletic Training program. I hate it. There are some days I just don't want to continue. I just want to pack up and go home. To top things off I am going through a really confusing time right now and nobody will help me. There are some nights I just cry myself to sleep. Part of me wonders if it would be the same if my dad was still here. I miss him so much and I catch myself some days just wanting to call him so badly to talk, but then I remember he will never answer. I lost one of my best friends. I can't even look at a picture of him without crying. Everybody that knows me just wants me to go get help, but I have a problem expressing my feelings to people so I would rather keep them bottled up and hidden. My mom thinks that this is the reason I am doing badly in school, but its only one class I am doing bad in and that's biology. If it wasn't for that class I would be perfectly fine and I would be getting a B average. I can handle that, but I can't handle getting a C average or even a D in one class. I would keep writing, but the tears are streaming down my face from stress and this depression I am in. I also have a Bio lab test tomorrow that I must study for or else I can kiss my dreams goodbye. Sry dad for disappointing you and possibly dropping out of Athletic Training.
mood: depresseddepressed
 
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Another day  
11:58pm 26/09/2008
 
 
paramore_rox_9
Have you ever looked at the person next to you and said I wish I were them, their life is definitly better than mine? I say that about almost everyone. There is always someone skinnier, smarter, better with the guys, richer, or just plain better. I hate that I am overweight, poor, and am shy. I always want to meet new people, but it seems like nobody wants to meet me. I hate it. I am sitting in my dorm by myself wanting to do something, but nobody to do anything with.

There are some days I wish I could go anorexic so I can lose some weight. I feel that is what everyone sees and not the person I want them to see. Or is that I scare people away? From this day forward I hope to change so for once someone could say I wish I were her.

Like thats ever going to happen!!
 
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Screw this  
10:47pm 11/09/2008
 
 
paramore_rox_9
There are some days you just want to crawl up in a corner and never come out, well that day is today for me. When something goes wrong, everything goes wrong and crazy as it sounds the weather always helps the feeling. I find out today my dog, the one thing that helped me get through my brother's and dad's death, is going to a new home. I don't even get to say good bye. Then I get all this shit in my classes that I just really don't care about. Typical school. Then I thought my day was turning around when I start talking to friends, but boy was I ever wrong. I feel all alone and like everybody is ignoring me or avoiding me. Am I really that horrible of a person? I do my best to be friendly and caring, but aparently I have a characteristic that nobody likes. I really have nothing to look forward to as all my plans go to hell with a small glitch in every plan. I found out 2 days ago, I can't go home because of the stupid parking issue on campus. Now the first time I can go home is in November, I am really starting to feel homesick.
I thought going to school here would be so wonderful, but boy was I ever wrong. I was looking forward to hanging out with my cousins, but everytime I plan something, they always back out last minute. Not that I am really blaming them, but I'm just learning not to get my hopes up. This is only the second weekend of college and I am ready to be done. I can't wait to graduate with my degree and set out on a new adventure in this shit hole of world. Maybe one day things will make sense again, but why should I get my hopes up, they are always crushed.
mood: depresseddepressed
music: Seether
 
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Painted on smile  
05:19pm 09/09/2008
 
 
paramore_rox_9
For so many years I put on a fake smile in hope that no one will ever see through me, but I am finally ready to say fuck the world. I'm Brittani and I am 18 years old. I am in college, don't know how I was able to make it this far. I am flat out broke and am scared I will be kicked out of college on the basis of financial crap. I'm loving it here because I have found people that are like me and I can relate to them. However, for so many years I was forced to conform into the preppy, athletic girls that came from a rich small town, eventhough I was not. When I was 10 I had many suicidal thoughts, but I was lucky enough to have family and friends that cared about me. I went to a psychiatrist, but lied to him because he creeped me out. My dad was emotionally abusive and sometimes border line physically. I love him dearly, but he did scare me.
My mom is just a plain bitch who screams at me whenever she gets a chance, or at least it seems like it. I can't get relaxed at night time because I am constantly thinking about how shitty my life is. There are some nights I cry myself to sleep, especially now that my dad is dead. I would rather sit in my room and listen to music than go to a party because no body seems to want to know me. So guess what, fuck them. I am who I am deal with it. I absolutely hate my body and have tried anorexia, but could never starve myself longer than 3 days, chocolate and ice cream are my weaknesses. I am shy and have leadership issues but thats because nobody cares what I have to say. Depression runs in both sides of my family, mom's and dad's, wow I'm screwed. Lately, my mom has been concerned for me, but like I tell her I'm strong enough to push through my dark days, which are almost everyday lately. It will clear up eventually, I hope.
mood: confusedconfused
music: Linkin Park
 
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College Life  
07:47pm 04/09/2008
 
 
paramore_rox_9
So it's been almost a week since I packed up and left home for college. I have started classes and am really enjoying them. This semester they are easier than I thought, but that might change as the semester moves on. I am hoping not becaue I have to get into the second semester of Athletic Training in order to even be able to move forward. Other than classes it has been amazing. I am making really good friends which is really nice. We have been laughing almost non stop since we met. Its the perfect way to unwind after a long day of classes. The weekend is fast approaching and it shall be interesting to see what its like. I doubt it is much different than the days before classes began.

Honestly I thought college would be much harder than it actually is. The teachers are nice and the classes don't seem that bad, at least not as bad as everyone made me think they were going to be. I haven't really had any homework, but it has only been two days. I think that will change next week. I don't know if I'm quite ready for that, but I guess I will see. Tomorrow is a new day and the unknown is still around. I can't wait to see what it shall bring.

Peace out for now!
Brit
 
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New  
12:10am 29/08/2008
 
 
paramore_rox_9

This summer has been way chaotic. It started off with graduation from high school. Super exciting until a week after graduation my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. I spent almost my whole summer taking to his treatments or just visiting him in the hospital. Long story short he passed away Aug. 4th, not even 2 months after diagnosis. That week I found out I have many friends that care about me more than I ever realized. I had one friend who got on a bus for almost 2 hours just to get here 3 days before she was supposed to just to be with me at the funeral. After that somber week my summer got very crazy with trying to do as many fun things as possible in such a short time. I started off by going to Valleyfair for the day which was wicked awesome. I then hung out by a pool and went out to eat with a bunch of friends. Then a couple days ago I went to the MN state fair for the day and saw none other than PARAMORE!! One of my favorite bands. My cousin Nikki and I had a blast, but our legs were shockingly very sore. That didn't stop us from hitting the mall the next day for about 4 hours. What a great last couple weeks, but now its time to finish packing for college. WOOT WOOT!

mood: calmcalm
music: Linkin Park
 
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